Apr 15: practice game Apr 22: HOMERS 21 Wild Turkeys 11 Apr 27: HOMERS 25 Planet X 20 May 20: Paper Tigers 17 HOMERS 23 May 27: HOMERS 22 Bruisers 8 Jun 2: Rick's Rejects 10 HOMERS 34 Jun 8: Homers 20 GOAT SCOUTS 23 Jun 15: HOMERS 38 tbd 16 Jun 24: Deep Space Cadets 9 HOMERS 25 Jun 30: Voodoo Toad Fury 9 HOMERS 17 Jul 08: HOMERS 22 The O Zone 9 Jul 16: Gravity Fielders 13 HOMERS 36 Jul 23: HOMERS 18 Devil Rays 6 Aug 11: LA RADARS 15 Homers 14 Aug 17: HOMERS 22 Crawdads 13 Aug 26: Eclectic Eccentrics 3 HOMERS 15 Sep 3: HOMERS 11 Goat Scouts 7
Ladies and gentlemen, every generation has its own defining moment, be it the stock market collapse, Pearl Harbor Day, or the Apollo moon landing. Today, I am proud to present to you the 5th annual Homer Awards Show.
M. HOMER (body): Scott Morgan completed the best season ever for a Homer. In the 16 regular season games, the one practice game, the one practice, and the paying of team fees, Scott was first for all but two, and in those two games he arrived second behind rather determined competition. Sha na na na, sha na na na na na. Scott's 1998 season set a standard for attendance that should stand as long as there is there is such a beast called a Homer.
M. HOMER (soul): After a 1-year hiatus, Ron Baalke recaptured the home run crown by hitting 18 dingers in the 16 games played. Ron had an especially spectacular day in game 5 against Rick's Rejects (later known as the DoDgers), with the first ever 4 home run game by a Homer.
M. HOMER (food): Ron Baalke set another precedent in capturing two-thirds of the Homer triple crown. Hey, if you hit that many home runs, you'd want to go to dinner to brag about it too. Ron was also outstanding in the third leg of the triple crown, being one of only four players to attend all 16 games.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Every C team needs a doctor; that's why we invited you, C team doctor. Besides the degree, Joe Jacob provided:
THE ANNIE LEIBOVITZ AWARD: Despite another year of solid play offensively and defensively and despite playing in more games than any other Homer woman, Annette Nasif's award comes from off the field, as she showed herself to be the most photogenic Homer. Never before in the annals of Homer history had any Homer photograph had broad social implications; however, the picture of Annette in her wedding gown surrounded by a supporting cast of Homers left women dreaming of their own weddings and men thinking, hey, that doesn't look so painful.
GOT A LIFE: Like Annette, Sheila Ganino was a C League manager's dream:
THE CRASSUS/LEPIDUS AWARD: For the first 3 months of the season, Lisa Reid turned the dynamic duo of Annette and Sheila into a terrific trio the envy of every other C league team, and she herself appeared to be a shoo-in for rookie of the year. However, Lisa suffered severe back pains that sidelined her for the rest of the season in week 12 in a game against the Devil Rays in which she was traded to the opposition, Here's to hoping that 1999 sees a return to action for Lisa.
PULIPZER PRIZE: Since the regular Homer Report writer started tanking his reports by week 2, the other Homer officers pushed hard to distribute the workload, resulting in a record number of writers for one season:
"I enjoyed this one the most -- for this passage:
The bride wore white. The groom didn't. Lisa was in the wedding party. Richard got his wish and was seated next to an unattached single woman. It didn't do him any good. Sheila and Richard enjoyed the open bar. Everyone else enjoyed watching Sheila and Richard enjoy the open bar. We all had a good time, and we all wish Annette and Daniel the very best in their life together."
The winner: Jeff Osman, who had gained valuable experience ghostwriting for the Universe earlier in the year. In lieu of this, Jeff would have won the inaugural Homer Emmy.
Dissatisfied with that result and convinced that Amy was too influenced by her own recent wedding, the would-be lobbyist pressed her to pick another. "Runner up was Scott on 17 August." Mrs. Holst was thereby invited to retain her Homer emeritus status.
THE ADRIAN BELTRE AWARD: Hailing from the state of football greatness, Adrienne Romach played a fearless 1B and 3B for the Homers in '98. Like her eponymous colleague for the Dodgers, Adrienne has a bright future and should see more playing time for years to come, provided that she return to Southern California following this, her rookie year.
FUTURE HOMERS OF AMERICA: The Homers bequeath upon their most loyal fans in 1998, Bryan and Aaron Lim, these gifts:
KIRK GIBSON: The most significant home run of the year came in the last game of the year. With the team down 1 in the last inning, a runner on first, a 3-2 count, Rich Benesh reached out for a slider down and away and put it into the right-field stands to win the game, prompting Jack Buck to announce, "I don't believe what I just saw!" Wait a minute - Statue of Liberty - that was this planet... Well, Rich did hit a huge two-out, three-run home run in the top of the seventh inning to give the Homers a 4-run advantage over the Goat Scouts in their rematch. By necessity, Rich hit nothing but legitimate home runs all year, this being the most legitimate of all.
SVENJOLLY: To the delight of the rest of Homer management and the indifference of the rest of C league, Sue Kientz assumed the role of evil mastermind on the field, freeing the other Homers to concentrate on the game. Sue was uniquely invaluable in a second way, and that was in being present and ready to play if needed at all but one of the games. She in fact did substitute in two games, both times keeping the team from playing shorthanded in the field and taking an out at bat.
HEKTOR, TAMER OF HORSES: Reasons we all miss Tim Ohm:
COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR After blowing out her knee in the service of the Homers in 1996 and missing all of 1997, Mary Wittman played in half the games this year, tying her personal best from 1995. Unfortunately, the reconstructive surgery altered her batting stance so that she lost her spray-hitting ability and became a dead pull-hitter. Nonetheless, Mary hit the ball hard all year, her best offensive moment being a two-out double against the LA Radars to tie the game at 12-12 in the last inning.
COMEBACK PLAYER WITHIN THE YEAR: The winner of last year's Will Robinson award appeared to be in no danger this year after making the first two Homer games of the season. However, David Lim proceeded to miss the next 3.5 months of Homer ball, finally managing to catch the last 4 games once little league ended. If not this award, David would have won something for being aware enough to back up first base when playing right field.
STELLA: The best Homer shortstop of the post-Ohm era, Robb Warren, hit a bit of a batting slump, prompting 20th Century Fox to rush-release a sequel to its top summer hit of 1998. Here then are comments overheard outside "How Robb Warren Got His Groove Back" (stolen from Letterman):
CAPTAIN QUEEG: Though Captain Miller's life steadily, irreversibly faded, he gathered his strength to look the young private directly in the eye. "Earn this," he gasped. "Earn it." A commotion shook the no-longer-youthful man out of his memories, and he turned to a teammate nearby and asked, "Have I been a good manager?" To which the Homer shreiked, "Don't you ever agree to this weird mercy rule again, Richard!" Final score of game 1: Homers 21, the badly outmatched Wild Turkeys 11. Richard Chen did not field-manage again for the rest of the season. OK, there really was no causal relationship there.
THE NOT-READY-FOR-HOMER-MANAGEMENT AWARD: For both the Homers and their B-League affiliate the Sharks, Tony Ganino killed the ball both spring and summer, leading to thoughts of a promotion to the ranks of Homer management. However, those thoughts died following these questions:
THE RAIN MAN: He may in fact pitch the ball so high that it comes down with moisture on it, and he may dance so well as to make the heavens open up, but Daniel Limonadi wins this award for proving surprisingly competent in his Homer debut, hitting the ball squarely and fielding his position smoothly after giving absolutely no indication of any softball talent,
THE AVIS AWARD FOR MANAGEMENT: Besides her contributions to the Homers, Karen Chan placed herself in the top two of C-league managers by turning a nearly insolvent group of bumbling losers known as the Roving Marauders into a solvent group of bumbling losers known as the Bruisers. In a season in which the Homers topped 14 players only one time (the bbq), the Bruisers averaged 16 players per game with no fewer than 13 at any one game. In the last three weeks when other teams had folded or were folding, the Bruisers had attendance figures of 18, 19, and 19. Karen also started a well-structured web page for her team.
MOST VALUABLE <3 GAME PLAYER: The founder of the Homers Raul Haro not only substituted upon request when the team was short players (mid-game, no less), he also donned the "Hail to the Chef" apron for the annual bbq. Evora Simien gets honorable mention for her portrayal of a human pinada against the Paper Tigers, where a little, buff Vietnamese guy slid hard into her twice. And, finally, Jim Shell deserves mention for being the only other person who understands that a C league pitcher's job is to throw meat.
June 30, 1998: (standing) Lance Holst, Jeff Osman,
Adrienne Romach, Scott Morgan, Karen Chan, Robb Warren, Mary Wittman,
Sheila Ganino, Rich Benesh, Tony Ganino.
(front) Amy Holst & Mickey & Sara, Daniel Limonadi, Annette Nasif,
Lisa Reid, Ron Baalke, Sue Kientz, Joe Jacob, Richard Chen, Tim Ohm & Casey.
# 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 $ i ii 1 Scott Morgan 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 Richard Chen 2 5 7 5 5 5 3 7 5 6 5 6 7 6 7 4 1 4 3 3 Ron Baalke 5 4 4 8 3 3 6 4 3 4 3 4 5 3 4 6 4 7 4 Tony Ganino 8 10 9 4 5 5 3 7 5 6 5 6 8 6 7 4 9 8 5 Jeff Osman 2 3 3 1 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 4 10 2 2 1 3 2 6 Sue Kientz 5 5 8 3 3 6 11 3 4 3 4 5 3 4 6 4 7 Annette Nasif 4 7 7 7 8 10 11 13 12 8 12 13 11 9 7 6 8 Sheila Ganino 10 12 11 11 10 12 12 S 12 9 3 5 12 14 9 11 9 Rich Benesh 12 13 11 13 6 7 10 10 13 1 8 13 13 6 S 5 10 Joe Jacob 7 9 10 10 9 13 11 11 10 12 10 11 14 12 6 11 Robb Warren 3 3 6 6 5 3 8 3 8 13 6 8 8 5 12 Lisa Reid 6 8 8 7 12 8 11 9 10 8 7 10 13 Mary Wittman 13 13 12 10 16 14 13 10 13 14 Tim Ohm 9 2 8 9 10 5 14 12 9 15 David Lim 11 11 9 11 9 12 11 16 Adrienne Romach 12 8 10 11 3 4 17 Karen Chan 2 S S 2 3 2 18 Daniel Limonadi S S 14 S S 19 Bryan/Aaron Lim S S S S 20 Evora Simien 6 12 20 Jim Shell 9 9 22 Raul Haro 11 9 23 Barbara Lam S S 24 Martha Berg 2 25 Ingrid Allwelt 9 26 Cathy Weitz 12 27 Amy Holst 15 28 Alex Osman S 29 Ray Solomon 10# this week's ranking
The algorithm to determine the winner:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 sum
Ron Baalke 1 2 4 3 1 1 1 1 2 2 18
Richard Chen 1 1 1 1 2 2 4 1 2 1 1 17
Tony Ganino 1 2 1 2 2 1 3 2 1 15
Scott Morgan 3 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 10
Tim Ohm 1 1 1 2 1 1 7
Rich Benesh 1 1 1 1 1 5
Ingrid Allwelt 2 2
Joe Jacob 1 1 2
Evora Simien 1 1
Jeff Osman 1 1
Amy Walsh 1 1
David Lim 1 1
Jim Shell 1 1
# 1 Ron Baalke 16 - 0 2 Sue Kientz 15 - 0 2 Jeff Osman 15 - 0 4 Scott Morgan 15 - 1 5 Robb Warren 12 - 0 6 Richard Chen 12 - 4 7 Joe Jacob 9 - 3 8 Lisa Reid 8 - 4 9 Annette Nasif 8 - 6 10 Tim Ohm 6 - 1 11 Karen Chan 5 - 0 12 Adrienne Romach 4 - 1 13 Rich Benesh 4 - 9 15 Mary Wittman 3 - 5 14 Daniel Limonadi 2 - 3 16 Tony Ganino 2 -14 17 Amy Holst 1 - 0 18 Jim Shell 1 - 1 18 Raul Haro 1 - 1 20 Sheila Ganino 1 -13 21 Ingrid Allwelt 0 - 1 21 Cathy Weitz 0 - 1 21 Martha Berg 0 - 1 24 Evora Simien 0 - 2 25 David Lim 0 - 6left column: dinners attended
May 23, 1998:
Jeff Osman, Tim Ohm, Karen Chan, Scott Morgan, Annette Nasif, Tony Ganino,
Sheila Ganino, Richard Chen.
May 23, 1998: Tim Ohm, Jeff Osman, Scott Morgan, Karen Chan,
Sheila Ganino, Tony Ganino, Lisa Reid, Richard Chen.
_------_
/ \ DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
| |
| | *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
| __ __)
| / \/ \ DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer
/\/\ (o )o ) RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
/c \__/ --. ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer
( ) FAR..... a long way to get beer...
\_ _-------' SO...... I'll have another beer...
| / \ LA...... I'll have another beer...
| | '\_______) TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
| \_____) That will bring us back to...
|_____ | (Looks into an empty glass)
|_____/\/\
/ \ D'OH!
last update: 18 December 1998