preseason
PRIME TIME 14 Homers 5
Apr 26: Cosmic Debris 18 (ff) HOMERS 17
May 2: HOMERS 18 IPL Crawdads 10
May 10: Rock Lobsters 7 HOMERS 21
May 25: HOMERS 19 Keystone Co-ops 11
Jun 8: LA Radars 9 HOMERS 19
Jun 21: Bears 9 HOMERS 34
Jun 29: Goat Scouts 5 HOMERS 14
Jul 6: HOMERS 21 Deep Space Cadets 2
Jul 13: HOMERS 23 Propulsion Army 12
Jul 19: Wild Turkeys 9 HOMERS 26
Jul 25: HOMERS 16 Roving Marauders 4
Aug 2: Homers 4 VOODOO TOAD FURY 20
Aug 9: HOMERS 17 Asterisks 5
Aug 15: HOMERS 15 Gravity Fielders 9
Aug 22: Homers 10 PLAN 9 13
Aug 30: VOODOO TOAD FURY 8 Homers 5
Aug 31: Roving Marauders 8 HOMERS 17
M. HOMER (attendance): Ron Baalke and Tim Ohm, with Ron a nose in front. Though Ron has not missed a game in the three years he's been a Homer, the tiebreaker is actually a complex formula that rewards getting to the field early, about which Tim protests (in general, not about Ron), "Hey, I've got work to do." Both players' consistency definitely makes them managerial material. The full player rankings are:
Player Game 1 2 3... 18 Pct. v. last year ------ ---------------------------------------- ---- ------------ 1. Ron Baalke X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 100% no change 1. Tim Ohm X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 100% +12% 3. Richard Chen X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 94% - 6% 3. David Lim X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 94% xxxx 5. Jeff Osman X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 89% -11% 6. Don Calkins X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 83% +12% 6. Amy Walsh X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X 83% - 1% 8. Scott Morgan X X X X X X X X X X X 61% -33% 8. Doug Clark X X X X X X X X X X X 61% + 2% 10. Robb Warren X X X X X X X X X X 56% xxxx 10. Monica Clark X X X X X X X X X X 56% +21% 10. Holly/Allen Clark S S S S S S S S S S 56% +21% 10. Phil Coffman X X X X X X X X X X 56% xxxx 14. Mary Wittman X X X X X X X X 44% xxxx 14. Holly Schmidt X X X X X X X X 44% xxxx 14. Sue Kientz X X X X X X X X 44% xxxx 17. Barbara Lam X X X X X X 33% xxxx 18. Rich Benesh X X X X 22% xxxx 18. Beth Verish X X X X 22% -44% 18. Evora Simien X X X X 22% xxxx X = player, S = spectatorOthers (who they all are is left as an exercise to the reader)
2: Jim Shell, Jesus Martinez, Martha Berg, Kevin Schmidt, Laurie Chen (-83%!)
1: Karen Chan, Lori, Alex, Joe, Xuemei Wang, Robert, Caos, Susan, Sara, Mickey
M. HOMER (home runs): Don Calkins and Richard Chen with Don a nose in front after hours of soul-searching by the runner-up. Don's home run in the Sharks/Homers B league game nullified Richard's preseason home run, so the tiebreaker was based on the normalization factor of home runs per games played, where Don played two fewer games. Plus there's no denying the beauty of his moon shots. The full homer rankings are:
Player Game 1 2 3... 18 Total ---------- ---------------------------------------- ----- 1. Don C 2 2 3 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 15 1. Richard 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 2 2 2 15 3. Ron 1 1 3 1 1 2 1 1 1 12 4. Tim 1 1 2 1 1 2 2 10 5. Holly 2 1 3 5. Scott 2 1 3 7. Jesus 1 1 7. Evora 1 1 7. Phil 1 1 7. Amy 1 1 7. Dave 1 1M. HOMER (dinner): Richard Chen. Of the 17 games Richard appeared in, he went to dinner 16 times afterwards, with the lone pass coming after a mass hooky day to attend a Dodger game in the afternoon. Honorable mention goes to Jeff Osman, who hit 15 out of 16 with his miss being that same game, and Ron, who hit 16/18, with his other miss being the week in which two-thirds of the critical mass were in New York. In terms of dinners attended/games played, the full diner rankings are:
1. Richard 16/17 94% 2. Jeff 15/16 94% 3. Ron 16/18 89% 4. Robb 7/10 70% 4. Phil 7/10 70% 6. Don 10/15 67% 7. Sue 5/ 8 63% 8. Doug 5/10 50% 9. Mary 4/ 8 50% 10. Monica 4/10 40% 10. Holly/Alan 4/10 40% 12. Tim 7/18 39% 13. Scott 3/11 27% 14. Rich 1/ 4 25% 14. Beth 1/ 4 25% 16. Amy 3/15 20% 17. Barbara 1/ 6 17% 18. Dave 2/17 12% 19. Evora 0/ 4 0% 20. Holly 0/ 8 0%THE APOLLO 13 AWARD: Don Calkins. Don's season started off rather miserably with no home runs through the first 8 games despite playing at lefty-friendly Pasadena High School field 2. Team doctors nearly wrote him off and pulled the plug, but Don came back with a fury to hit 9 in the next 4 games and 15 overall.
THE APOLLO 11 AWARD: Evora Simien, who took one giant step for female Homerdom by hitting the first female Homer home run. Amy Walsh hit one later in the same game, while Holly Schmidt ended up with three for the year.
THE PINK BUNNY AWARD: Tim Ohm. Tim not only made every Homer game including the preseason game and the Sharks/Homers game but also every B league game he was asked to play in and probably every B- game and who knows what else and still found the time to bribe the editors of the JPL Universe.
THE MAN WHO SHOULD BE ON THE DEEP SPACE CADETS: Phil Coffman. Hey, Phil, the game next week is on Wednesday, field H7, against the Bingo Long All-Stars. Phil did get a breakthrough home run this year; unfortunately, it came against the Homers. Richard had the good taste not to homer in the two games he played for the opposite team - hey, wait a minute, maybe Don's not so dense after all.
BEST BRUISE: Sue Kientz. In game 16 while playing second base, Sue took a hard grounder for the team off her leg, leaving a bruise somehow bigger than the size of a softball - perhaps the ball flattened on impact. Due to fabulous muscle control, Sue can make the bruise look like Elvis circa 1968.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Dave Lim, who did not miss a game from the moment he signed on at game 2. Homer scouts, hoping to get maybe a part-time player when recruiting Barbara Lam last year, ended up getting her and her husband Dave (both are double-trees), who seems destined to be part of the core of the core for years to come. Also, Dave has shown exceptional taste in his choice of favorite professional baseball team.
WORM AWARD: Jeff Osman. Did you ever wonder what his middle initial 'W' stood for? Of the Homers' 18 games this year, Jeff missed two while traveling in New York, was the 4th Homer on the field once, placed/showed 4 times, and showed up first 11 times. This award almost went unawarded, but after July 19, no one beat Jeff to the field. The others who were first at any of the other seven games were the Clarks (twice), Scott (2), Richard (2), and Amy (1).
COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Monica Clark, who managed to shed approximately 20 pounds and get herself back into playing shape. Assist here goes to Doug Clark, who, after consulting with Homer management, helped in the planning and the execution of keeping Monica in action for '95.
THE ROD WOODSON AWARD (ask Robb): Amy Walsh. Amy's one of the best and most consistent players on the team, part of the core of the core, but upon review of this year's Homers Reports, Amy was mentioned only once for her defense and thrice for her offense, one of which was due to her home run. Knowing the quality of Homer Report reporting, the only logical explanation must be opponents' respect.
THE MR. TIMEX AWARD: Robb Warren. In the game against the Asterisks, a team chronically short of players, Richard, playing with Phil against the Homers, ran hard for third base, where Robb had the misfortune of playing. Richard slid hard into Robb's ankle and turned it over but couldn't knock Robb out of the game. Richard came sliding in hard again a few innings later, but Robb avoided the collision and got a few punches in.
THE MZ. TIMEX AWARD: Mary Wittman. In game 4 against the co-ops, Mary was playing 2B with a runner on first when the ball was hit on the ground to Richard, who flipped to Mary at two, who pivoted and got hammered waist high by the geeky co-op. Mary survived to play 2B again; that co-op sent Richard flying in a Cadets/co-ops game later in the season. You'd think the geek would have learned at some point.
THE WENDY'S/WALTER MONDALE AWARD: Rich Benesh. With Jesus's departure from Homer land, the Homers were looking to Rich to join the power core of Don/Richard/Ron/Tim. Despite guarantees of ice-chilled Caffeine-free Diet Coke, Rich made only 4 games and did not homer in any of them, though that probably has more to do with the conteneted, B-league trot/chug.
THE ALDRICH AMES AWARD: Scott Morgan. Is it merely a coincidence that the Homers have 5 B league players on the roster yet never played a game on a Monday, when all B league games were played? Who tipped the Homer managers that they should request an extra game during the final week?
THE YSL AWARD: Doug Clark, the only person in memory who has played a JPL softball game while wearing a fedora.
THE LEI FENG AWARD (note: I'll be really f*cking impressed if anyone gets this one): Barbara Lam. During Voodoo Toad Fury's 20 to 4 slaughter of the Homers, Barbara asked, "When do we get to play those other teams again?"
PERSON WE MISS: Laurie Chen. Separation is painful, and separation is final, but separation included no requirements of exile. Furthermore, Laurie will soon be headed to graduate school at UC Irvine, so we may see even less of her next year.
DANGER IN '96: Beth Verish. The entrepreneurial spirit of America lives on, though it might take Beth away from us, which would be a shame since she is one of only four remaining links to the pre-'93 Homers. Here's hoping that she wins the comeback player of the year for 1996.
MORE DANGER IN '96: Holly Schmidt. What a dream - tall, red-headed woman who can crush the ball. Kevin Schmidt, get your a** back to Pasadena.
PLAYER #1 TO RECRUIT FOR NEXT YEAR: Martha Berg. Martha played maybe two games for the Cadets this year; she was probably waiting for a call from the bigs, and that call came only twice.
PLAYERS #2 and #3: Jim Shell and Karen Chan. Unfortunately, getting them would probably gut the Deep Space Cadets and the Roving Marauders, respectively, but fortunately we don't care. We probably have a better chance with Jim than Karen since Karen was probably not to keen on us after the last Homer/Marooder game.
Don Jacob
Pluses: owns a 50" TV available throughout the NCAAs
Minuses: still likes DOS
Little-known fact: was assistant manager of the Homers in 1992
Holly Schmidt
Pluses: plays lots of softball
Minuses: maiden name is Gilooly
Little-known fact: collided spectacularly with Tim in a 1993 Homers/Maulers game
Evora Simien
Pluses: crushes the ball
Minuses: has tickets to all local basketball games of her nephews
Little-known fact: nicknamed "Pede"
Robb Warren
Pluses: co-hosts a great, annual Super Bowl party
Minuses: spends $150 each week on hair care
Little-known fact: helps run the Race Across America bike race every year
Mary Wittman
Pluses: co-hosts a great, annual Super Bowl party
Minuses: chews food with her mouth open
Little-known fact: was bribed onto the Homers with promises of Dr. Pepper
Last update: 15 August 1997